Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
