your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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