we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize