he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
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