I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
