It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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