Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
