I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Text me some of your sweat
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
