dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
