Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
