My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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