Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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