I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
