I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize