i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
