I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
