I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
