I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize