Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
