i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so let's talk penis.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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