he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
