In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize