found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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