I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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