haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize