if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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