May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize