sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
