please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
