He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I fill condoms, not promises.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
