I am puke
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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