May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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