i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
