I never want to see another naked old woman again.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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