xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize