dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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