Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Every concussion has its silver lining
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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