Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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