I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
