Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
