the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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