please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
