ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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