Will you blow on my dice?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
is wine microwaveable?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
