Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
