I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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