I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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