I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She even gives head with a lisp.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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