it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
