I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
