Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Randomize
