trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
