I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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