Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
