oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
