I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
