my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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