I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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