Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
