i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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