and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
